Well this past weekend as been a whirlwind of emotions and everything has been all over the place… Last week the Muscle Cub and I had been getting a bit distant and I figured it would happen as he is under lots of stress and his mom is now staying with him. What I was not expecting was that I would find out via social media that he was talking to another guy as well.
Let me back track a lil, for the past lets say month maybe longer we had been having trouble finding time to do anything. Only time I would get to see him or even talk was when I was driving him home from work. We had before that decided to take things slow to really get a chance to know each other. This of course was not happening and we had to cancel plans after plans and say we will try for another time. Well this past weekend I found out that some of the plans were cancelled so he could hang out with the other guy.
I at first was hurt and felt betrayed, however it really made sense as to what had been going on. I had felt like something was up, just wasn’t sure. When I asked him about what I found he got upset and said I was being too nosey and he felt uncomfortable as he didn’t think he had to say anything. I was like papi, wr are supposed to be getting to know each other and see where things would be going. Even if we were to.just become friends, friends talk and don’t be shady about things. From my point of view it looks as if he has one live that I’m part of where his family sees me as more than just a friend of the family, and then there is this other person that parties and forgets those close to him. I don’t know if I have the energy to be in a complicated friendship or any kind of relationship like that.
Don’t get me wrong, I still care deeply about the guy. He was the first guy in a really long time to really accept me for the person I am, and not judge me for being a Drag Nun. I felt really appreciated and comfortable with him, I still do. Physically he is not the type of guy I would consider would give me the time of day. He is a 5’8 naturally smooth bodybuilder, the type of guy very opposite me as I’m a big hairy not fit guy. He really made me feel special, and his family accepted me as one of there own.
Lately I have spent many nights torn as to what to do with this guy. I have gave up a lot to show him I was serious about wanting to get to know him. I have shed many tears wondering what I did wrong for him not to open up or want to spend time together as late. If this was anyone else I would have walked away and shifted focus to taking care of my self, however I see him struggling with life and I can’t help but wanna be there for him anyway I can. Just after recent events I am wondering if this is worth the time and energy. I can see beyond the party guy and see he wants something serious, however I can see he is damaged and afraid to get hurt. I understand that his background has scared him, and know from experience what he is going thru. When I think about walking away, there is lil voice in the back of my head saying don’t give up on him just yet. Give him a lil more time.
I can see him and I really being close friends that can trust each other no matter what comes along, or even a strong happy couple. I would so love the latter, however if the universe only allows us to become good friends, then I will gladly accept that as well.
Back, to the events of this weekend… We had a heated argument which ended with him walking away pissed. I had not wanted to bring it up, but when he got in the car ge saw that something was bothering me, and I broke down. I know that might not have been the best time to ask him about things, but I could not hold it in anymore. Later that day, while he was at work we talked via email and aired this out a lil, however he said he wanted to sit and talk things out in person so we both are on the same page. This is something we been wanting yo do for awhile, and haven’t had a chance for one reason or another.
To make things even more complicated this past week marked 2 years since I was laid off from my last job. I have been such an emotional mess because I dunno if I will ever be able to hold a regular 9-5 job again, as my PTSD related Stress, depression and anxiety have been getting the best of me. I filed for an increase in my VA Disability, however they are dragging their feet. Meanwhile, my bills keep piling up. I saw the only good thing going for me, giving me something to want to wake up and get outta the house, giving me a reason yo smile again.
I just want to feel love and give love to another person. With all this stress, and nothing going right I have been thinking about giving up and retreating to the family farm or a friend’s house in San Antonio, where I can isolate and think about what I wanna do with myself. The thought of giving up on life has also crossed my mind, however the thought of hurting my family keeps those thoughts from manifesting into reality. It scares me that I have had these kinds of thoughts. I would so want to live a long and happy life here in LA, a place where I truly feel at home.
As for the Muscle Cub, I don’t know what the future will hold just yet. We still haven’t sat down to talk, was hoping to this weekend, but he had plans to go out with friends and we really didn’t talk much. Supposed to see him tomorrow so we will see what happens. I also have noticed the interest of some other great guys, however I just can’t start talking to another until I know for sure where I stand with this one. I don’t want to complicate my life anymore that it is. One thing is for sure, I can’t wait around for things to manifest into what ever the universe holds with the Muscle Cub. I have to start looking after me, I need to stop putting him and others before my personal needs. I’m giving myself a few months to find a reason to stay in LA, such as a job or a man to love. I know it might be a bit much, but I want to be happy again. I don’t want to have to cry myself to sleep every night as I can’t cope with the stress and heart ache.
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